Forgiveness
by Swiss Blue
Summary: Sam is flooded with guilt and sorrow for what he has done over the past year. As he struggles with his guilt, Castiel helps him find forgiveness. Season 5.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the characters contained herein. They belong to the owners of _Supernatural._

 **Rating:** K+ No slash, no vulgar language.

 **Author's Note:** Takes place after Season 5 episode 4, The End. Contains Christian concepts and references; if you don't like this, hit the back button.

 **Forgiveness**

Sam and Dean pulled into a motel parking lot late at night. They had chased a lead on demons on the coast of Massachusetts that had proven to be less helpful than they were hoping; still, it was always good to send some horned devils back to Hell. Devils. Speaking of the devil, he was out and walking the earth, compliments of one Sam Winchester. Dean was gracious about it, but Sam had yet to forgive himself for that and other heinous sins. They ate at his soul, staining it and tearing apart his hope of redemption. So this late night, after they had arrived at their room and Dean collapsed on the bed – asleep within seconds – Sam sneaked out of the motel to go for a walk.

He wandered down to the coast line, where the customary ledge separating the beach from the walkway was, and sat down on the top of a picnic table. He told himself that this walk was to clear his head, but really it was an excuse to get out so he could cry in peace. He looked across the water as the waves crashed and softly roared – so much power in so much beauty – and up at the sky that was clear and sprinkled with stars. It was almost a rebuke that the world could be so majestic when Sam felt so miserable, so beautiful when Sam felt so dirty. It was a rebuke Sam knew he justly deserved.

Sam thought about everything he had done in the past year. Trusting the demon Ruby, treating Bobby and Dean like they were unthinking idiots, letting out the devil, drinking demon blood, strangling his own brother… the list went on and on, and soon Sam was unable to hold back the tears in his sorrow. They rolled quickly down his cheeks, warm and quickly cooled by the constant breeze. He felt hollow and achy inside, and his guilt was a living thing that reminded him of his wickedness. He hadn't gotten to cry for more than a minute when Castiel appeared next to the picnic table.

Sam jumped. 'Castiel?' he said weakly as he hurried to wipe his tears off his face. It did little good to hide them as his eyes shone with the ones yet unshed. 'What are you doing here?'

'I received a message that you might need help,' Castiel replied matter-of-factly.

'I didn't pray,' said Sam, confused, doing his best to not look him in the face.

'It was not you I received a message from,' the angel replied. Neither was it Dean. He watched Sam a moment with his head tilted to one side. 'You do not have to hide your tears from me, Sam,' he said gently.

Sam peeked at him. Castiel was thousands of years old, surely he had seen many a man cry for lesser reasons. He was an angel, someone who knows about grace and forgiveness. He was also a friend. Sam figured that if there were anyone in the entire world whom he could safely cry in front of, it would be Castiel. He gave a shaky nod.

Castiel moved and sat down on the table top next to Sam, a little closer than typical American social customs warranted as per his usual. He folded his hands together. 'You are troubled,' he observed.

It was such an understatement that Sam couldn't find it in himself to laugh. 'Yeah,' he said, his voice rough as he stared at the ground.

'What is wrong?'

'What's not wrong, Cas?' Sam replied as he fought for control of his tear-choked voice.

'This is about Lucifer, isn't it?' Cut right to the chase, why don't you.

Sam was quiet a moment. 'Not just about Lucifer,' he said lowly as the breeze ruffled his hair.

When Sam didn't continue, Castiel prompted him. 'What else?'

Sam shifted nervously and rubbed his hands. 'It's… it's how I treated Dean, and Bobby. It's about trusting a demon and drinking…, ' Sam had to swallow before he could say the words, 'demon blood. It's about everything I did wrong!' His voice spilled over with emotion.

Castiel was quiet a moment. 'Tell me,' he said gently. He still was looking at Sam, but Sam refused to meet his eyes, opting to look down and away from the angel. When Sam said nothing, he continued, 'Sam, I have seen people murder, lie, steal, blaspheme, tear down, manipulate, and otherwise destroy each other, God, and the world around them since the Fall. There is little you could say that would shock me.'

Sam glanced at the angel – though avoided looking him directly in the eyes – to hopefully read his expression, and found acceptance and gentle prompting in his gaze. He took his chance at a listening ear. 'I… I trusted a demon. I _knew_ it was wrong, I _knew_ it was stupid, but I deluded myself into thinking she was ok, that she actually cared so I could get revenge for my brother,' once Sam started to talk, he couldn't hold back his tears any more and his voice shifted to a sob as he forced his words out. 'Even after I got him back I was too deep in power to stop. I was power-hungry, something I'd never thought I'd be, but there I was, sucking down… demon blood to get that strength. _Demon blood_. Can you image, Cas? I used to hate that I have that stuff in me, and yet there I was drinking it straight from Ruby's arm. Gosh!'

Sam had to stop to suck in a breath before he continued, before continuing to force all his words out around the sobs that lodged in his throat. 'And that's not the worst. I strangled my own brother. I did it because I was angry and wanted to prove I was stronger, but there is no excuse. I would _never_ have done that, but I did. My brother, who has done so much for me and cares about me and looks out for me. How could I do that? And… and I knocked out Bobby to chase after Ruby, a _demon_. I was selfish, arrogant, stupid, reckless and I don't know how Dean stands me! I don't know how you can stand to be near me!' His voice rose and nearly cracked at the end. Sam felt as though the great weight of his sins were sitting on his shoulders and crushing his chest. His tears streamed down his cheeks and he no longer felt like a grown man, but a young, lost child.

Castiel silently observed the miserable boy next to him. For all the wrong Sam had done, Castiel couldn't help but feel sadness and compassion for him. Sam was sorry and repentant, two things that were needed to heal, Castiel knew. But they were not all.

'I have seen people do much worse than you, Sam. You scoff at that, but it is true. I have seen men throw their children into the flames as sacrifices to false gods as if they were no better than chaff.' There was a pause as Sam quietly cried, sniffing every so often. He couldn't look at the angel now. Castiel watched him closely, when a thought dawned on him. 'You do not think you can be forgiven.' It was a statement.

Sam was quiet a moment before he slowly shook his head no, and stared at the ground.

'You can be forgiven, Sam,' said the angel. 'No sin is too great. I can promise you that. But you must ask for it. I suggest you pray.'

Sam seemed agitated. 'I can't, Cas,' he said in a small voice. 'He wouldn't hear me, He wouldn't want to. Who would listen to someone so… dirty and guilty?' Sam tears picked-up again even while he fought to control them.

'God would. He specializes in listening to the dirty and guilty.' Castiel gently yet firmly took hold of Sam's chin and turned his head to look at him. Sam's eyes were glossy, his cheeks were wet, and the misery of his soul shone so strongly in his eyes that the angel could feel it as a physical sensation. He looked him right in the eyes. 'You are not beyond saving, Sam Winchester.'

Sam started to sob again, choking them out as he struggled to speak at the same time.

Castiel gently urged him: 'Pray, Sam.'

The boy looked back down at the ground and folded his hands, though he couldn't hold them still and so wrung them. He closed his eyes. 'I'm so sorry,' he whispered through his sobs, 'I'm so sorry. Forgive me.' And Castiel knew he was heard. Simple prayers are just as powerful as ones more complex.

Castiel suddenly felt prompted to take Sam into his arms and hold him close. He had not had such a suasion in years, but he knew exactly what it was; he recognised the Holy Spirit when he felt it. He obeyed immediately and pulled Sam to him and wrapped him in an embrace. He felt Sam tense with the newness and uncertainty, and then relax into him as he sobbed out all his guilt and heartache. Castiel held him for a long time.

When Sam's tears ceased and he pulled back, wiping the last of the wetness from his face, Castiel could see the change in his countenance. Sam was forgiven, and he [Sam] felt it. Sam looked at Castiel with the light of hope dawning in his eyes.

'I feel lighter,' he said, sounding relieved and somewhat awestruck.

'Being forgiven can have that effect,' Castiel informed him. He watched as Sam breathed in the fresh air as though he had escaped a dank prison.

Sam turned to him. 'Thanks Castiel,' he said softly with gratefulness in his voice and eyes.

Castiel gave a small smile and nodded. 'You're welcome.'

Sam gave him a closed-mouth smile back and slid off the table. He looked at Castiel uncertainly, looking for permission to go. Castiel gave it in a nod, and Sam turned his steps towards the motel with a final nod, while the breeze tickled the grass.

As he listened to Sam leave, Castiel was reminded of a song he had heard while flying passed someone's car radio. It seemed to fit the youngest Winchester:

 _Show me a life that's broken can be redeemed_

 _Show me that You can handle my honesty_

 _And help me to know You'll never let go_

 _Your love won't ever leave_

 _Show me that grace was made for people like me_

The End.

The song lyrics are from _People Like Me_ by Mikeschair.

The Fall refers to when Adam and Eve were tempted by the devil and sinned.

I hope you liked it. This was difficult to write. I like the idea of Castiel being a spiritual mentor for Sam. Please do leave me a review! They are most enjoyed and appreciated. Feel free to include corrections. Constructive criticism is welcomed. Also feel free to prompt me through comments or PM if you have something you would like to read. ~Swiss Blue


End file.
